Monday, December 30, 2013

Nothing Ever Happens on Mars.


First of all, Welcome to my personal growth blog!



Every morning at the farm where I've been for a week or so now I get up and sit here with my coffee. I have a new coffee pot that is very good and so this is a better than usual event. I just look out the window and think. My mom says I get thinking from my father.

I've been a nervous wreck for the last week, with no real explanation except that I'm really terrible at relaxing. Just the way I am. With time off my anxiety blooms; spores of it mushrooming, a dark algae in standing water. Invasive and fetid ... by the time I realize what's happening it's too late, it's systemic...HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! 


I convinced myself of dizzy spells, I have low iron, a sinus infection, parasites!, early signs of a stroke, chest pain. Lately I've been trying to just let it take over, staying in bed half the day sometimes, eating chicken liver pate with a spoon (high in iron) and going to bed at 8pm some nights. I'm getting better at handling anxiety, just letting it happen. Just being OK with the strange feelings, no matter how uncomfortable. Fighting it makes it worse. 


When I think about how I wanted Christmas to go it's like this; me and Mookie had a week with no work, no visitors at the farm and were going to relax and spend days in pajamas making waffles and reading in bed and talking like we used to, losing track of days taking long walks with the dog...


If you want to really fuck yourself, set up a bunch of 'realistic' expectations and then wait to check em off like a laundry list of happiness. Life is like this in general. I'll be happy when I fall in love, when I have my own business, when I have a farm. 

Now I have to deal with myself or invent more tasks and more distractions. Which undoubtedly I will do because I am a modern, success-oriented woman. But I know I have to keep coming back to deal with this thing in me; this deep dissatisfaction that is the result of always ignoring the moment and rushing to the next thing. 


For my sanity I keep one foot in the city. I find rest in the joyous hum of days carved up into 1/2 hour segments buzzing around in the back of a taxi cab yelling into the phone. Like magic, every single one of my symptoms vanishes when I'm there. 


20 comments:

KimBakke said...

Thanks for that

Mah Jongg Doctors said...

your mom says: call me.

bloomsburyblooms said...

Thanks for sharing. I love the reflection photo! Your words and photos just made anxious, laundry list making me smile.

Sarah said...

Your stories always make me laugh...just because I can hear you saying them out loud as if I were sitting on the stool next to you at morning coffee. Except, if I were buzzing around a big city, hailing cabs and talking on the phone, I would be the crazy lady everybody stares at!

Hope you can relax and enjoy the slower moments of the new year. ♥

e. said...

that laundry list of happiness...lately I wake up early & sleepless with that list on my mind. it is that old fortunate for what I have, but wondering what I'm overlooking. thanks for your words!

LPC said...

I believe hypersensitivity, experiencing the world acutely, leads to anxiety. No shame. And you are brilliant and I'm glad you exist.

Holly Chapple said...

I think we are sisters!!!!

Kay said...

relaxation is overrated...

Caitlin@OurNaturalHeritage said...

I recognize so many similar emotions in myself - I just had a mini mental breakdown on New Years Eve. . . I'M NOT READY!

I too am chasing a certain dream that I think will end in bliss, the end of worry . . .my hardest task is to enjoy the present too.

I love your candor and you're by far not the only one. . .

Terri Todd said...

(have a baby....)

Anonymous said...

I used to go out west in my winter months and would drive. I would find myself react to open spaces and silence in that way.. with anxiety, that was my first time. Yet, I want to be in the farmhouse looking at the empty January hay field across from me in silence, yet I'm anxious, so I go for a walk in said field, it's ok if I keep moving through it. I hike, in the winter, a lot, due to anxiety

Megan Dempsey said...

Thanks for being so honest and showing us the struggles you deal with in forging your own path. It's lovely to read something that's not all rosy and at the same time it's a privilege to share in the beauty of your life around you on the farm, the house, the animals, and the flowers through your stunning photos. Happy new year!

Diane said...

Maybe it's a creative trait, this anxiety? I'm the same and I've just learned to live with it. I figure that most of the great artistic people I know or read about in history are a bit bonkers, so it's just part of the cause! Happy new year :)

Susan said...

Thanks for the picture of your kitchen sink.

count buckula said...

I can only comment on anxiety from my own perspective...

i find I get lots of anxiety when I'm holding in some sort of fear...i hold it in, it rattles my nerves. the fear is usually about something that is (rationally) ridiculous, but it accumulates daily.

I find I usually store fear as physical tension in my mid-abdomen, between my sternum and my belly button. On calm moments, that's my easiest way to tap it, to let it express itself.

Anonymous said...

I don't know why I'm writing this but I just wanted to thank you for all the pictures of your lovely flowers. I've been having such a horrible week with so much grief and I guess I've just been holding it all in, but your flowers and the colours and the light made me burst into tears and I don't know why. But it's nice to have a good cry over some pretty flowers.

MommyG said...

Thanks for sharing - it really made me think, because I am very goal-oriented...

http://maybetodayistheday1.blogspot.com/

Ruth Fortune said...

Hi Sarah I love reading your blog posts. I can be really good at doing nothing all day long...the anxiety kicks in when I feel I have too much to do and can't decide where to start. Weather patterns, seasons, high tide help with this. I will take action quickly for a swim on a fine day at high tide! I am full of admiration for your productivity. Do you know the book Wherever you go, there you are? Best wishes, Ruth

kim said...

just love your posts- beauteous!

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